Monday, June 30, 2008

God's Irony

Yes, God does answer prayer. Not always in the way one might want it, but God does answer prayer.

Part of the reason I've been doing the interior work I mentioned a couple of days ago is that I'm in a situation that has no end in sight that is causing me lots of plain old resentment. My innards are usually in a knot that burns and bubbles and has me seething while I paste a fake smile on my face. As a result, I'm feeling very sorry for myself. I tend to be a whiner anyway, and it sure has gotten worse lately.

This is not how children of the Light should live their lives.

I've been praying, meanwhile. My prayers are spent trying to climb out of this self pitying pit I've dug for myself. And what has God done? Sent me lots of stuff reminding me that while my issue is important to me, there are lots of folks all around me who really have it bad. For example, I just got an urgent prayer request from a seminary pal whose brother's addictive behaviors required an intervention yesterday, but the guy still won't go to treatment. Another web pal has severe side effects from cancer treatment. And of course, there are my hospice patients who have lost their homes and have to go live in a facility to await their deaths. It is a nice, attentive facility, but still a facility and not a home. When I am at work, occasionally I walk by a closed door and hear fierce weeping coming from in the room. Of course.

When I am at work, I never feel sorry for myself. There isn't time, for one thing, and I just can't when surrounded by my patients. I wish I could work more.

If I am praying for others, I can't feel sorry for myself either. I think that is part of the answer. Take the focus off of me and put it on others. I wonder if this is why God is showing me the situations of others.

1 comment:

Kirkepiscatoid said...

I had to laugh at your word choice on your facebook status..."decompressing." I have just been through a whirlwind week...running the practice solo as my associate's daughter had surgery and he needed to be home with retired colleague M. being transferred from assisted living to a dementia care unit (a fair bit of his mind still works but he gets "lost" in the building)...M.'s daughter coming to town on a scheduled visit coinciding with his transfer, and coming with serious life crises of her own.

I spent most of my 4th of July in the pleasure of my own company with the exception of supper with two friends and a long walk with my vicar. I told him long before I saw your Facebook status, "I had to just decompress today; I'm incapable of doing 'group social' today."

The other problem with all of this is I get a big dose of "I'm not enough." All the things I am NOT stick out in glowing neon colors. It takes a day or two just to decompress and validate that what I AM is still pretty ok!

So I can "feel your post!" Hang in there.