Self Employed

With financial returns not guaranteed or even sought at present.

That is my new reality. I told my boss in a phone conversation this am that I plan to resign today.

I attempted to resign yesterday. I went into her office, paperwork in hand, but she was away and I chose not to wait.

On the day prior to my departure to Missouri, she called me to ask me to work the next day. Since I was leaving for Missouri, I could not. I did not tell her then that I was dressed and ready to travel to her office to resign that day. After I hung up, I thought that perhaps it would be rather cold to resign when she just had begged me to come in.

But this morning I told my boss I had found other work to do. Absolutely that is so. I was up at five o'clock scribbling the morning pages.

Headed out now to hand in the resignation and pick up the book by Raymond Carver I reserved yesterday, among other things that must be done.

Saturday, Before Another Blizzard

We have another blizzard on the way. It isn't a huge problem for Taciturn and me, but please pray for our brothers and sisters in North Dakota who frantically attempt to stave off the fury of Mother Nature's flooding. They are supposed to get some snow as well.

I went back to work Wednesday afternoon. It wasn't really busy but I had a nursing student with me so I had to teach as I worked. I was able to leave on time and get to bed at a reasonable hour for the evening shift--0030 Thursday morning. Yet, it has taken me two days to recover from eight hours of work. You can tell I have not worked or done much else for a while.

The discipline I'm attempting to develop of writing first thing in the am remains. I had to get up earlier than I would have liked Thursday morning in order to see my neurologist for the myasthenia gravis like symptoms I have, but I did take the time to do my morning pages. Life is getting into a rhythm; get up, get a cup of coffee, go back up to my bedroom to sit in the rocker and write, then I pray. After that it is time for breakfast and all else. I like this rhythm. I usually wake up with my head full of things to write so that is why I write first before I pray, so I won't lose it. Sometimes I cannot write fast enough!

A huge insight came to me Thursday morning while I wrote about the resentment some of the undereducated women at work have toward those of us who were able to and did the hard work of earning a degree (that came from writing about the nursing student--she has a really hard life but she still pursues a degree). Then I realized that I am guilty of the same thing in another discipline. Interesting how things can get worked out, or you see things as you write that never would have entered your head otherwise. As I sit and type now, I am smiling and shaking my head. Once I gave myself permission to write, all kinds of stuff is pouring out in torrents.

Ruth has an interesting post today about how we as adults no longer feel we can do the creative things we did as children. Those things come under the heading of "Time Wasters." It is fascinating to read the unfolding of her process as she journeys with The Artist's Way. I'm almost as excited about her journey as the one that I'm starting to undertake. I bought my own copy of The Artist's Way and will start it tomorrow.

The leftover main patch of blisters from my shingles has developed into impetigo from my scratching. Taciturn warned me about scratching those while he rubbed Bactriban cream on them after my shower this am. They are just right of center on my upper back; while I can reach them to scratch, I can't reach them to rub lotion or cream on them!

We are going to go to a home show a bit later this am, have a bit of lunch then stock up at the grocery store. We haven't been on a full grocery trip for 3 weeks, and the larder is getting bare! I have pizza dough rising at present for Saturday night pizza. I made my own sauce a couple of weeks ago and I'll get it out of the freezer to thaw shortly.

Tomorrow afternoon that blizzard is supposed to roll in. I'm sure I'll have another episode of blizzard baking. That's ok. Life is getting pretty good right now. And the scent of fresh bread baking makes it even better!

Gifts from an Unexpected Place

I've been rather whiny lately.

Physical pain can cause that. As I told the occupational health nurse on Wednesday, "I always understood the pain of my patients on an intellectual level. Now I understand it on a gut level." For example, Taciturn was stunned when I walked away from him in the middle of a conversation a couple of nights ago as I had to take a pain pill NOW. It could not wait. I've had patients literally scream if I was five minutes delayed in bringing pain medication. I get it now.

But, in the midst of all of this, blessings are found.

One I mentioned above, which is an increased empathy for those who suffer. I'd thought that I already did a pretty good job in that arena. One always can improve, though.

Two, I have had time to think and ponder. Why did I get this? What is so out of kilter in my life that my very nerves rebelled? I have my ideas. Among those is the job, which I have been doing much more than usual, and the job--it sucks so much energy out of me even when I'm not doing it that there is little room for the things that nourish and sustain me. And, what, by the way, are the things that nourish and sustain me?

Trying to figure those out is number three on the blessings list. And in figuring them out, what do I do with that information? Do I act on it? Do I blow it off? And what else sucks the life out of me, and how do I respond?

Time and space to actually read is another gift. The space came in Taciturn's absence. Normally his financial shows take up the entire house where there is no quiet space to read, ponder, or write (yes, he absolutely loves Jim Cramer and his sidekicks on CNBC). But after he came back, he realized it would be inconsiderate to interrupt me while on the sofa reading a book by an author recommended by Diane. So he took his financial show watching to the upstairs bedroom. He didn't want to disturb me. That never has happened before. That was a very special gift.

God certainly uses ill for good. Of course I certainly want this illness to go away, but I wouldn't do without these newly gained or re-realized nuggets of blessing.

Enforced rest

Be careful what you wish for--you might get it!

All I wanted was a good night's sleep. But I don't like the way I will get it.

I broke out in shingles today.

Part of the reason I was not able to sleep last night was that I was uncomfortable and could not find a position that was comfortable. I took Motrin and it didn't touch it. I thought I was just being a wuss.

I talked to Taciturn around noon today and he said, "You have shingles!" after I described the pattern of the discomfort. I winced due to the memory of how very ill my grandmother was when she had shingles. "But," I protested, "I'm not broken out!"

"You will be," he replied.

I got home, started to get in the shower, and lo and behold, tiny blisters in a patch on my right shoulder blade. Feh. I called the doctor who said it sure sounded like shingles to her. Couldn't get me in today to start antivirals, though. I'll go tomorrow.

I was supposed to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, plus Tuesday. The earliest I can possibly work would be Thursday now; after five days on the medications, I have to be cleared by the Occupational Health nurse before I can go back. I'll see her on Wednesday.

Grumble!

Working, working

Almost since I started my job back in May, I have complained about the lack of hours I've been able to work. For me it is not only a question of money (although that certainly enters into it), but also it is about having enough nursing practice hours to retain my nursing license in my state.

It is also about having enough practice hours to get a license in another state should we ever choose to move, but that is a different post.

After the last few weeks, though, I have stopped complaining. One of my co workers quit; another is taking a month off to care for an ill relative, and a couple of days ago another nurse had emergency abdominal surgery, which knocks her out for six weeks. (She is doing well, btw. Please keep her in your prayers.)

Suddenly I have absolutely all of the hours I can work. There is a week in March I'll work a full time schedule! I'm so fortunate in this economy that I have a job at all, and this has worked out just great.

Remind me of this when I start complaining about how tired I am, etc!

Saturday...

And no work today. No recovering from it, or getting ready to nap in preparation for it.

I've been pretty fried this week from this weird schedule. Thursday night was incredibly busy as the patient care tech called in sick. Central Staffing sent me a person who had never seen the Hospice House, so I had to show her around and tell her what we do differently than at the Towers (nickname for the main hospital). Then we had to get to work. She had been told that all she had to do was follow me around, which wasn't going to work. She absolutely was willing to do stuff I asked (I'd met this particular nurse before, a while back) and was a good worker, but the long and short of it was that I was the nurse and the tech for twelve patients, with J being the person to help me reposition those who needed it.

Yesterday morning I had heard another PRN nurse had been hired, which really upset me when I heard it as I have griped since I got there about hardly getting to work. Weeks like this past one are very, very rare. But then I listened to a voice mail message from my immediate supervisor that said Central Staffing was going to start sending us another nurse almost each day for the busiest period of the day. Hmmm, I thought, maybe I can work those hours instead of someone from Central Staffing. People had told me to wait to see what happened to our staffing after the big inspection we just had before I applied to work elsewhere in the system. Apparently the inspectors had been not at all happy with our bare bones staffing, so change is coming.

I'm going to make an appointment to discuss this with my supervisor. Stay tuned.

As for my last post about the Angry White Man, Taciturn still says things like "When we go to Baltimore..." Since today has been such a nice day and we are going out to dinner tonight, I will defer any further conversation about that subject.

Actually, my pal Mibi from seminary, who commented on my last post, gave me another option--have T drop me off in DC, which I love (people and place), hang out with my seminary pals for a few days, then ride back when he is finished visiting his folks. Hmmm...

Updates and other things

Thanks for your prayers for KLM and her spouse. He is doing well and is to leave the hospital soon. But for him, the work is just beginning. Please continue to pray.

It is great how folks rally if given the chance around folks in trouble. KLM sent out a request the other night for any leftover durable medical equipment that might fit their situation--why buy if people have it laying around unused? The cool thing was that the hall in front of the rector's office simply was littered with items of the requested equipment even before the 8 am service. I just grinned when I saw it.

I guess I still don't understand why helping people out in time of need is called welfare by some.

Yesterday I had an incredible burst of energy and cleaned my part of the office. It took all morning. Taciturn came home from an outing and about fainted when he saw it. I always tell myself that I will not let it ever get that bad again after one of these cleanings--yet I always do!

The nurse recruiter at my hospital and I chatted yesterday afternoon about how one might transfer within the hospital. I have to admit the irony of my situation; I do not get nearly enough hours--every time I go into work I feel as if I am going in for the very first day. When I go into work on Friday, it'll be the first shift I've worked in 3 weeks (though to be fair, I canceled a shift for which I was scheduled due to the blizzard). But, the nurses who are regularly scheduled are strained, to say the least. I spoke with the full time day nurse for a while yesterday and she said she was so overwhelmed with taking care of twelve patients by herself that she to step away for a little bit this past week. And remember, we have no ancillary support over there. We do our own lab draws, we sometimes stock the medications, we are our own unit secretaries, we do our own respiratory therapy treatments and artificial airway cares, etc. During this past blizzard, the full time day shift nurse even was asked to find salt for the parking lot! At the main hospital the nurses have all of those tasks done by others so they can concentrate on their patients. No one ever gets a lunch break or leaves on time. For example, the day shift ends at 3:30 in the afternoon. When I work, I usually don't leave until 5:30 or later. The full time day shift nurse lives that five days a week.

We don't mind working hard. Abuse is another story.

(My Republican husband has absolutely no sympathy. He says they are lucky to have jobs in the first place. But I did work full time in a situation like this many years ago; the nurse manager attempted suicide and three marriages broke up. It was horrible [it was in the military so no one could quit]. I swore I would never be in this situation again.)

Anyway, it actually is harder to transfer than it was to apply in the first place. I have to submit a resume, which I do not have. They cannot just reprint an updated application and submit that. So, I'm scrambling to write a resume--something I've not done in over ten years! I think I'll head to the hospital library today with my laptop and use some books over there. It is difficult to fit 30 years of work onto one page, and I need guidance.

A Democracy in Action meeting beckons, so all for now!

Oh, shoot

Mom didn't go home from hospital today, after all. Her x-ray still revealed a bit of pneumonia. Please continue to pray for her.

I had a chat with my boss today about needing to work more, and with some advance notice other than "Can you come to work in an hour?" which normally is all the notice I get. Which is why I say no alot. I also said that I had thought about going to the hospital to get more hours, which I have. There are plenty of hours to be had over there; here I work so seldom I hardly feel as if I have a job. In order to keep my nursing license, I have to work a certain amount a year, and the way I've been going, I will not get enough hours to keep this hard earned piece of paper! Hopefully, I got through to her. She seems to like what work I do, so that is in my favor.

And another thing--I went to Eucharist this am and heard KML+ pray for a certain parish in our diocese, the one and only that is sabre rattling about the presence of gays and others who don't fit a certain mold. (In this largely Lakota Sioux diocese, this is the richest and most non Lakota.) They've not come to diocesan convention for the last two years. I am aware of a certain meanness in that rector's conversation, a certain self righteousness that is distressing. I need to ponder this as it seems like lots of folks who wish to exclude, exude that meanness. I can't believe that is of God.

Mothers' choices

Thanks to Cathy for inspiring this post.

Only Son is 29 today. When he was born, I was at a time in my life when frankly, I could not afford to raise a child without going back to work. I had just finished LPN school and Only Son's father worked part time at a grocery store. There was absolutely no money to spare before our child's birth, and certainly none afterward.

Of course I wanted to stay home and get to know my son. I did not have that choice. We stuck it out for less than a month, then I went back to work, full time. I hated that I had to do that but we could not pay our bills otherwise. Our mortgage was less than $200 a month so it wasn't like we were living high on the hog. I remember I lost a $20 bill and we had to do without food that week as that $20 was earmarked for food.

As much as Only Son and I love each other, there always has been a distance between us that we both acknowledge and despise, but is there. I wonder if losing some of that bonding time attributed to that distance. One has to do, though, what one must at the time. We needed to eat. So I went to work.

(That was part of the reason Only Son is an Only Son. I swore I'd never have another child unless I could afford to stay home and raise that child myself. That never happened.)

So excuse me if I'm not impressed by Sarah Palin's decision to go back to work when her special needs child was 3 days old. I know she felt she owed it to the people of AK to be their governor, etc, but some things are just not worth it. And now this, chasing after the Holy Grail of VP of the US.

Simply put, there is just some work that is only yours to do. Raising a child you chose to have is one of those, at least taking the time to get to know that child. I think Sarah had the choice of taking at least six weeks to do just that. Many of us did and do not. It is a pity that the party for which she stands advances policies that will force many women into other work besides the work that is theirs to do before they are ready.