Only Son, Guest Blogger

I had another post ready to go, but then read this post entitled People Who Care Only Son wrote on his blog last night. I'll let him speak here today.

This Thanksgiving I’m thinking quite a bit about my Grandparents who passed away in the last few months. In the past on holidays we have been overwhelmed with the number of places we were expected to go. But now that that is over we are really missing it. It has made me think that I shouldn’t take people who truly care about me for granted. It is so important to know that there are people out there who truly love and accept me no matter what. With friends I am tempted to worry that they might not like me as much if I say certain things or if I truly open up. But with family it is different. I am thinking about my Grandma E who was always delighted to see my family when we came regardless of my political views or whether we said a couple of stupid or annoying things or even if the kids were cranky. So if you have people who truly care about you don’t take them for granted. In this life that is a very precious and rare thing.

How many people live their entire lives and miss this lesson? It is all about love.

Cast of Characters

Five adult children in a family find it difficult to all get together at the same time. It took our father's death to bring us together for the first time in 25 years. All except Caretaker were at my wedding to Taciturn in 1998; his boss would not give him the time off. That was the last time most of us were together with our parents. Caretaker is still kind of bitter he was not allowed to attend.

Anyway, clockwise from the bottom are Youngest, age 42; Law Enforcer, age 46; Caretaker, age 49; our brother who is disabled by Parkinson's (can't figure out a nickname), age 50; and me, still 51 when the photo was taken. I don't think our mother ever recovered from having three children in three years!

Roller Coaster Ride

For those of you who read my FB page, you know what I'm referring to in my title. My poor mom again.

I posted five days ago that she was doing well. Friday my brother left a message on my cell voice mail saying that she was continuing to improve. Before I got that message, though, on Saturday he called again with the news that Mom's left lung had collapsed and she had another infection. The option of placing her on a ventilator came up; the lung doc acknowledged that it would prolong her life but he did not think she would ever get off and breathe on her own again. However, he thought the infection was treatable. But something needed to be done as her chest organs were beginning to shift due to the pressure changes in her chest, a bad thing. My brother and I discussed this over the phone. She has clearly stated in her papers that she did not want various therapies including being on a ventilator. But, when he spoke to her about it, she was ready to do whatever it took. Therefore, the lung doc intubated her, examined her lung with a bronchoscope (finding lots of thick, sticky mucus he could not wash out), and placed her on a ventilator.

The good news is that the collapsed lung is reinflating. The bad news is that despite the aggressive treatment with antibiotics and everything else that is being done, there are xray changes in the other lung. I'm wondering if Mom isn't developing Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS), a horrible situation I saw often when I worked in the ICU. Anyway, today her doctors and other caregivers are going to have a care conference to figure out what to do. An option on the table is to remove the breathing tube in a day or so and just let her fly--or not. I warned my brother Saturday that yes, that was an option but that particular one is absolute Hell on a family; I've seen that done many times and it is never pretty.

My dad called me last night to ask me if I thought they had done the right thing. I told Dad they made the best decision they could at the time, and passed on the wisdom given to me by one of the deacons at my parish. She said, "Forgive yourself right now for everything you didn't do, what you did that may not have been the best, all the could haves and should haves. If you don't, you'll drive yourself crazy." Dad listened then said, "That sounds like good advice. I have to remember that." His tone of voice was thoughtful.

My caregiver brother called everyone to tell them to get home to say good bye. As for me, living as far away as I do has made me aware that everytime I say good bye to my mom, it could be the last time, and when I left 12 days ago it occurred to me I probably would not see her alive again. I called my VA based brother who is disabled by Parkinson's Disease; his wife recently lost her job so their finances are limited. He has enough money for one trip, no more. He said, "What if I am there for a week, then return home and she dies then? I won't be able to return for the funeral!" Our younger brother who lives in Washington state was supposed to fly in last night. Our baby brother lives close to the folks so he has been there often.

Almost as if directed by the Holy Spirit, my good friend in Rapid City called me out of the blue last night. We talked about lots of stuff. She was very supportive of me.

It continues to rankle me that each time I speak to my caretaker brother (when a woman has four brothers, she must specify), he ends the conversation with, "Have fun in Vermont!" Oh well. I refuse to accept the guilt trip. And I remember the deacon's wise words mentioned above.

Company's a'Comin'

Nope, no one from NOLA looking for shelter. This would be a good place to go as NO hurricanes come to the Black Hills.

Taciturn's step sister JMG, the daughter of AWM, and her SO are coming for two weeks from Baltimore. We are playing tour guide for them in the Black Hills and the Badlands for a few days, then the four of us are headed out to Yellowstone National Park on Sunday.

She is nothing like her dad; she is a very happy, glass half full person and is really lots of fun to be around. We are closer to her than to T's own sister. We've been planning this trip for almost a year, and are looking forward to it.

Meanwhile, I've been cleaning like a crazy woman, including scrubbing down the woodwork. (I've mentioned before about my cleaning weirdness.) We moved the cats out of the guest bath into the laundry room, so they are confused and when they are confused, they howl. Plus, I'm cooking today--homemade pizza for T and I tonight and a pan of lasagna for all of us to eat tomorrow night. And I'm thinking about making a pan of homemade brownies also, as JMG said she and her SO really like brownies.

Busy, but a good busy.

Meanwhile, GD is starting first grade today as a homeschooled youngster. They chose today as Only Son is off work and can ride shotgun in case the day doesn't go smoothly. DIL is educated as a teacher; through that experience she swore she would never let her kids go to public school, so there you go. (Of course, she student taught in a horrible area of the town in which they live; I'm sure not all public schools in a university town are like that.) GD, as much as I adore her, can be a bit of a diva so I think a regular school would be better for her. But she's not my child, so I yield this point to her parents!

Becoming Myself

I went to an early am yoga class today. The instructor, an earnest young woman, told us to be sure to name an intention for our practice as we started. What popped into my mind was the phrase, "truth telling." That was good to have in mind so I wasn't tempted to go beyond what my body could do in my nascent practice, but I think for me it was much, much more.

That kinda hammered home something that popped out at me yesterday when I opened up my new paperback copy of Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. The first page I saw said, "Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth."

Gulp.

In another blog, I mentioned that when people around me say things that I cannot or will not agree with, I get really quiet. Those who know me best know that when I am silent, that is a danger sign. In fact, someone once accused me of picking a fight with him due to the fact I had said nothing. I think I get quiet because if I do speak, I get red faced, shaking, screaming furious so I end up saying nothing of import anyway.

Of course, there are people with whom I can disagree. I can have a civil conversation if the other person is willing to have a conversation with me. People who know all and ensure everyone else knows that they know all cannot have conversations. Those are the folks I am usually silent around. I will not engage a know it all.

Lately, though, I have realized that I live with someone who knows everything. Even though he prefaces his remarks with, "I am not very smart," he really is smart and has decided that the lens through which he views the world is the only valid one. I view many things differently and so we find ourselves fighting over things like his habit of running the water for five minutes so it'll be hot when he rinses out the cat food can or something dumb. Our political views cannot be more different, and he can be quite forceful when making his point. Because he is so smart, trying to argue with him is like attempting to argue with Christopher Hitchens on the existence of God. I'm not that erudite.

So, in my own home, I'm silent. I endure statements like, "Well, if you want to be a Democrat, that's all right, I guess." I listen to him disparage things I hold dear, if not sacred. And I am silent.

I'm also silent about what I want, but that is another post.

It is fear, I think. Fear of lots of things. And I know his role models for how to treat a wife--his father ran around on his mother. And then the step father, the Angry White Man, I've written about before. And it is fear of having to deal with the idea that I may be wrong, I suppose, that I have no right to take a position on anything in life that is in conflict with his. After all, he pays the bills and the health insurance.

That brings me to the latest effort for me to tell the truth. I wrote a letter to the editor about the new proposed South Dakota law to ban abortion except when there are exceptions--except the exceptions (including rape and incest) have to be proven in a court of law before an abortion can take place. These folks don't want government anywhere in their lives except in the bedroom, and I won't stand for it. Anyway, the paper is making me do it over and over again and I have to call every day to find out where it stands (too short, too long). T used to be pro choice, but after his lengthy Fox News brainwashing during his deployments, he is now anti abortion in any case. (He also used to be pro gay rights, and is part of the reason I changed my mind on that issue, but now he totally denies he ever was.) So ANYWAY...I'm bracing myself for when the letter finally comes out in the paper (if it ever does). This is someone who won't put a bumper sticker on a car for fear someone will spray paint it, so it'll be interesting. But I gotta do it!

At least we aren't in the phone book.

Guess I should post...

I am chastened by Grandmére Mimi’s observation that I’ve not written much lately on my blog. Actually, I brought that to her attention when she asked if I had a blog (we were dealing in real names vs our blog names), and I told her that I did, but had ignored it lately. She took a peek and dryly agreed.

Thus, here I am at the laptop on a windy South Dakota Saturday.

Just returned from dropping off my quilt at the dry cleaners and a visit to the local farmers’ market. The planting season was delayed here due to record amounts of much needed rain, so there were only seven or eight booths at the market. Some of those were ranchers selling corn fed beef (ugh), bakers, or jelly makers. But there was bounty to be found nevertheless. Even picked up some freshly laid eggs!

I don’t know why I haven’t blogged lately. I could blame it on my new job, my recent trip to see the grandchildren, or even having to iron more lately as my usual summer wardrobe is cotton and linen. But none of those things take tons of time. I think rather it might be due to the fact I’m doing lots of interior work at present and do not wish to write those things down for anyone to see. I don’t even want to see it. I’m beginning to acknowledge some things in my life that I’ve kept buried for a long time, and it is painful.

Besides interior work, I’m doing some exterior work. I mentioned a while back that I joined Weight Watchers. I needed to get healthy again after my cardiac arrhythmia stuff that basically took me out most of the winter. I’ve lost 30 lbs since January and am at my goal weight—the best thing about this is the rediscovered energy that I thought was lost forever. Also, over the last couple of months the arrhythmia essentially has stopped, so my heartbeat is normal again. I still take my medicine, and still have a few odd beats if I overindulge in wine, but otherwise my heart beats steadily and evenly. So with this newly recovered energy, I’m out racewalking, hiking, and I’ve even joined a yoga studio.

I am reestablishing my former discipline of praying the Divine Hours. That got me though tough times before and I don’t know why I stopped. My church has not been a place of comfort lately (so many places have not been), and I’ve found myself pulling away. Part of the problem is the fact that the informal leadership of the parish is focused in very few hands, and those hands have decided that I should not be at this church. These folks handpicked me to run for the vestry as they remembered me from before as someone easy to control, but now that I am on the vestry I make my own decisions and this is the payback. I was being harassed by one of those people via email, and just when I decided to take action, it stopped. The fact that I am on the Vestry is the reason we have not started to look for another church. I was elected for three years, and have served only six months!

Otherwise, my recent trip to see Only Son and his family was wonderful. I actually felt at home there. I had an added bonus of seeing my only surviving aunt and her husband, who were visiting my mother while I was there. Those two are really positive role models of how to live an engaged, vital life in elderly years. They are lovely people and I was so happy to get to spend quality time engaged in good talk. They don’t yell and scream and pass that off as conversation.

My friend BB is due to give birth any minute now, if she hasn’t already! She is so cool; if you look at her blog, she has been out playing disc golf each day, although she is over 40 weeks’ pregnant! You go, girl!

Enough of my rambling for now. I’ll try to keep up a bit better!

Thanks

Thanks to all who supported me after my last post--FranIam, for posting, and to many others who sent me private emails. I was kind of in pieces for a few days afterwards, but am better now.

It helped to visit with a friend from church who also is of Native American ancestry--1/32 to my 1/4--but whose mother in law treats her dismissively due to that. She also no longer goes to visit. Her husband takes the kids and goes by himself. I wonder if this woman realizes that her grandchildren have Native American blood, or is 1/64 dilute enough for her?

I've decided to use some frequent flier miles and go to BOS (as Mibi calls it) to ground myself and see old pals. I'll go probably the second week of April.

AND...congrats to both Mibi and another seminary pal, Patrick P, for their nominations to represent BOS at a national preaching competition. I listened to an audio stream of Patrick P preaching on the Transfiguration a few weeks ago--wonderful! Mibi puts her texts on her blog and they read well; I'd love to actually hear her preach them!

We can announce the official call of our new priest. We elected him almost two weeks ago, but the announcement was held up due to some paperwork, which now is complete. He is a big teddy bear of a man, incredibly friendly and very grounded in Scripture and prayer. The Celebration of a New Ministry will be at the end of April.

I spoke to Only Son on the phone last night. He wants to borrow some money in order to invest in gold. I told him to call Taciturn today to talk about it. I don't think borrowing in order to invest is a good thing, but who am I? T knows more about that kind of stuff.

Odds 'n Ends 'n Yucky Stuff

It is blowing snow wildly outside my office window. The wind chill is COLD. Taciturn is playing a game on his computer. We are having spaghetti for dinner, and I am having a glass of wine, which I allow one glass 4 days of the week on my Weight Watchers plan. We are happy in our life.

Speaking of Weight Watchers, I have lost 12.2 lbs in five weeks. It works when one follows it closely. And concerning other things in the physical health realm, my colonoscopy, over which I obsessed so last week, was boringly normal. I had no reason to think it would be otherwise.

And I have decided I will not visit T's mom and step father again.

As I said before, I started writing about the relationship or lack thereof I have with T's step father, the Angry White Man (AWM), got upset and put it away. The reason I put it away was that I saw a pattern of escalating verbal violence toward me that frightened me. As long as four years ago friends told me that they did not understand why I continued to visit. They also told me that they were afraid for my mother in law. I have mentioned that she will not sit down until he tells her where to sit. This was not the case ten years ago when I first met everyone in T's family. Although AWM was quick to raise his voice, his politics were right of conservative (he listens to right wing talk radio exclusively), and two of his children have not spoken to him in years, I thought he was somewhat reasonable most of the time, just not a person with whom I would choose to spend much time. For whatever reason, that has changed.

There were two trigger points between he and I that occurred over the years. One, he slapped me in a grocery store over a disagreement whether we should use a shopping cart or a carry basket, and two, in his deafness he thought I had insulted him when I was paying him a huge complement. When he slapped me (not hard, but he did smack me), I immediately got into his face and let him know in no uncertain terms that that was unacceptable behavior and he should never, ever do that again. I remember he said to T, "Your wife is out of control--do something." T, knowing that usually I can take care of myself, just shrugged. AWM told me later that he and T's mom continue to be worried for T's safety as I obviously fly off the handle easily and T doesn't respond appropriately.

Hmmm...

The second trigger incident occurred when AWM made a lovely cream gravy to accompany the really tasty fried chicken he makes for us almost each visit. I'm a southerner by birth and upbringing so I love cream gravy. I saw it in the gravy boat and said, "YUM! White gravy!" Immediately he scowled and said, "Well, now it's brown!" as he shook some Brown Bouquet into it. Obviously he didn't hear me correctly but as I started to protest, R, my mother in law grabbed my arm and told me to let it go. She was afraid he would get even angrier from embarrassment. So he was allowed to think I had insulted him when I was attempting to laud him.

We eat brown gravy whenever there is fried chicken to this day.

Another time that might have been a factor was when I showed up to their house for supper and to spend the night unannounced--according to them. According to T and me, we had told them in separate phone calls that I would be there to spend the night (we were moving to the area and I got there while T was still in South Korea). I offered to get a motel but they insisted I stay.

I wish I had gotten a motel. My mother in law was well into her cups when I arrived. The more she drank, the angrier he got, and things happened that I wish I had not seen. It was terrifying. I told T that "he did things that he does not do when you are there." T paused and said, "My sister has said exactly the same thing."

After that evening, though, I became person non grata. My mother in law called my cell phone one evening while it was off and left a message. When I called back, AWM picked up the phone.

"Hi, this is Laura," I said.

"What the hell do you want?" he replied.

I was dumbstruck for a moment, then stammered, "R called and left a message on my phone. I am returning her call."

"I was not aware of that," he said slowly. Then he got her to speak. She had been drinking so we didn't speak long.

He has not spoken to me unbidden on the phone since. The last time I called and he answered, he did not speak when I said who I was. Then, to break the silence, I said, "Uh, I just called to say hi."

"Well, hi," he snarled. I replied, "Then can I speak to R?"

This is the backdrop to my visit between Christmas Day and New Year's.

He started in almost immediately. He has known for years that my grandmother was a Cherokee from Oklahoma. But for some reason, this visit he chose to exploit that fact about me. "Laura is going to have some wine! Be careful--you know she'll grab a knife and kill us all in our sleep! You know about drunken Indians!" He went on for an hour in that vein. He was gone hunting a good bit of that day and most of the next. He came in late on Saturday and T and I went to bed right afterwards; when I said good night to him, he responded angrily, "Good night!" "What'd I do now?" I asked T as we walked to the guestroom. He just shrugged.

The next morning was awful. He fixed us coffee and then started in on me. He didn't know how I had met my husband, let alone marry him with my background; I was rude, I didn't know my place, my husband was a wimp for putting up with my obvious abuse of him (huh?), and on and on. The stark hatred in his face when he looked at me was frightening. When I fixed myself some toast, I asked T if he wanted some--and before I could say anything else, AWM said, "Well, it is obvious you don't care if I starve." I was simply stunned. I decided I needed to get out of that house, especially since T was going for a walk. I knew where a nice safe Episcopal Church was in the area. While I was preparing to go there, putting on makeup in the bathroom, I heard AWM in his office telling someone on the phone "well, he's all right. But that bitch he's married to--well, she's an Indian and you know how they are."

I thought I would throw up. I left the bathroom and went outside to find Taciturn; when I did, I told him what I'd heard. "I can't stay here," I said. He nodded. However, we had plans with AWM's one child with whom he still is in relationship for New Year's Eve, which was the next day. She is lovely with a heart of gold, we really like her, so we decided to stay for that day. But, after some consideration, we decided to leave New Year's Day, a day early.

But, I had to get through Sunday first. I went to church and prayed for the situation, came home, changed my clothes, went to Hunt Valley Mall to do some shopping by myself and eat lunch. I came home about 2:30. I sat down with a bottle of soda I had left over from lunch and he erupted in anger. Turned out he thought it was a beer and in his house, no one drinks before five. He calmed down when I showed it to him.

I don't remember that evening at all. Odd. But I do remember that I lay awake in bed for hours after T had gone to sleep watching the door just in case AWM decided to come in and do me in. After all, this is a guy who cleans guns when he is angry. He is not subtle.

I heard R ask him (the walls are thin in their home) why he was being so mean to me. I did not hear his answer.

The next morning he poured our coffee, giving me about 1/4 of a cup. I asked for more and suddenly I was living in the scene from Oliver! in which he says, "Please, Sir, I want some more," and Sir says, "MORE?" Then we were off again. I was so happy when his daughter got there as he tries to be nice (not always successfully) when she is around. She, T and I were gone the rest of the day. We spent that evening packing and left early the next day. The reason T gave them for our early departure was the weather--and it did get very bad the next day.

The way R hugged me over and over before we left was not lost on me. It occurred to me later that she really doesn't expect to see me again.

I've written a lot, but have left a huge amount out. I decided a long time ago that AWM is not a safe person to be around, but usually he behaves when T is there. T did not stand up for me at all on this trip. He has said before that it is tough on him that AWM and I don't get along. I think he is trying to placate AWM as he is the person who controls T's access to his mother (btw, R has a good job--I think she is just too whipped to leave). The idea of going there again makes me want to weep in terror and despair. I've thought of various reasons this behavior is going on--maybe dementia is coming on, who knows, or he just thinks he is 74, he'll do what he damn well pleases--but nonetheless, I'm not a verbal (or physical) punching bag. I'm concerned that the physical will happen again if I return. After all, there are lots of reasons to hurt me in his mind.

Be assured I pray for both R and AWM. T has chosen to sweep all of this under the rug--he states it is his mother's life and she has chosen to live it this way. At that house there are many elephants in the room.

Oh, by the way, I have not told T of my decision yet. I haven't found a good time, but that will come soon. We are planning a vacation in the fall with AWM's daughter and her boyfriend, and I really hope this does not interfere with that. But I won't go back, and if she cancels, she cancels. I have to feel safe.

I just wish I could be assured that R is safe.

Going home

After a great visit with Only Son and his family, as well as my family of origin. Great to play with the kids who make me Episcogranny. I also visited Calvary Episcopal Church in my hometown, which was a little sad as a very active member died in an auto accident this past Wed. This man was a great spiritual friend, which played right into Father Bill's sermon about how spiritual friendship is a huge part of the reason we have church!

One huge point Fr. Bill made is that true spiritual friends don't take their balls and bats and go home when one of the friends does something not agreed with. You know where he was going with that. People who do that, he said, are not friends.

We drove 8 hours today, have 4 more tomorrow. EfM starts tomorrow night, but I'll do more updates! And, prayers for Heather on the loss of her grandmother.